Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Yasmin Mogahed (Why Do People Have To Leave Each Other) & My Story

Similar to Yasmin, I too have strong achievements to people and memories. I couldn't let go of any of them easily.
I couldn't let go of my painful childhood, my unresolved issues with my childhood crush, the enourmous pain when my ex betrayed me. I live surrounded by pain throughout my life.

"However the problem wasn't with the vase or even that the vases kept breaking. The problem was that i kept putting them on the edge of tables"
The vase here refers to my heart or my faith. I now realised that my heart broke because the dangerous place I put it at. I gave my heart to people who were likely to hurt me.
I was wrong because I depended on people to fulfill my emotional void. I let people define my happiness. I let my status determine my self worth. I set myself up for this misery.
The question is, where should I place them instead?

"Whoever rejects evil and believes in God hath grasped the most trustworthy handhold that never breaks. And God hears and knows all things"
Quran; 2: 256 
" There is only one relationship that should define our self-worth and only one source from which we to seek our happiness, fulfillment and security. That place is God" 
With these statements I learn to refocus my life, my place or source of calmness. Before, my life revolved around pleasing a man, in hope that he'll love me till the end of his last breath. When that didn't happen, I was destroyed.
Then, to fill the void, I focused my life towards finding another man. Then, that plan didn't workout, I was again destroyed by this disappointment.
Now, I am realising that my source of happiness should be Allah and Allah alone. HE is the one whome I should focus my energy on. I should please HIM as HE guarantees that HE will keep me in HIS mercy-always.

"Only when we stop putting our hopes in Dunya, only when we stop trying to make Dunya into what it is not and was never meant to be (Jannah) will this life finally stop breaking our hearts"
"Nothing happens without a purpose. Pain are lessons and signs for us. They are warnings that something is wrong. Pain is a form of forced detachments"
When I read this, I can really relate to my own past. My life with my source of pain is filled with our love for Dunya. We were lost, our iman was just on our mouth and never in our hearts.

I saw signs that were given in the early stage of our relationship but I was so stubborn. I was drowning in what I thought true love that I ignore the obvious warnings. So, God gave me pain, and still I ignored them. I never repent. Then Allah, I believed forced us to break apart by showing me our true colours to each other. It was a very painful breakup but a needed one.

Though I did not turn to Allah immediately, my life after him was less bleak. I know now what kind of life I want, what kind of man I want and though I cannot accept or forgive his betrayal yet, I am sure that I don't want to live with his kind of attitude.

10 years I wandered through life. I was full of anger, I live life from day to day until recently when he disappointed me again and my heart feels that it is time I find something more permanent.
And so, this journey of healing begins. I begin to live as a slave to Allah. I talks about my misery and hope to HIM.

 I DEPEND ON ALLAH

An Inspiring Talk

Take a listen to this amazing young woman. She has a very positive outlook on life despite her circumstances. From this talk alone, I learn 3 things.

WHAT DEFINES YOU?
As soon as I heard this question, I decide to look deep within me. I came out with 2 answers. Before this healing process of mine, I would say I let my mistakes define me. My self esteem was none existent and in my own eyes I am not worth living

But then, I realised something. I am made by Allah as the best of His creation. So, there's must be something good in me or something good will come out of me. I am still clueless of what it may be but as long as I hold on to Allah, I have the most firm hold ever existed. Hence, I promise myself to dig deeper, heal myself and I would never again let my mistakes define me

Verily, Allah is the most merciful and most forgiving

SUPPORT SYSTEM
Lizzie becomes this amazing person because her support system is superb. I on the other hand had to look high and low for a good support system. I may not have it from my own family but thank goodness that I now have friends who in a way see my pain and guide me to a more healthier path. They borrow me books, the share their life with and they are willing to listen when I need to say something. I also seek help from a NGO regarding my mental state and they help! Tremendously!

YOU DECIDE YOUR LIFE
I learn that I am the only person other than God that have power over my life. Only me can turn something bad to something good. Only me can shape myself into an amazing, strong woman. Only me can stop this pain. Only me and Allah

So, dearies! Listen, learn and heal

Monday, January 20, 2014

Reclaim Your Heart (Yasmin Mogahed)

In my attempt to heal myself from the pain that i have been experiencing for nearly a decade, i decided to turn to self help books.

The first one would be Reclaim Your Heart by Yasmin Mogahed. I chose her words to help me because her words show that she had experinced the same kind of pain and her thoughts of reason came from her own painful story.

Her words connect to me. And so i began my journey with her. Her words echoed, resonated within this wall of a soul and slowly i began to feel some relief.

Hence, came the idea of sharing the lessons that i learn from her. In hope that everyone who shares my kind of pain will benefit from it. And writing it, i too can rationalise my cause for my agony.

Let's heal

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Healing

Those who knew me knows
What a huge gaping wound I have
It has been bleeding for quite sometimes
Turns a supposed to be strong girl to a miserable one

Now
Time has come for me to heal
To see this adversity in a different light
To accept what had happened as something that has been preordained
To make peace not only with myself but also with the one who stabbed me

Now
I can only hope that I'll come out stronger, better and wiser
I pray that I put my attention to what is utmost important-life after death
I'll work hard to erase the hatred that occasionally comes and goes
So I can stand proud one day

To you I ask
Pray for me
Guide me with words
Support me emotionally
Encourage me with all that you have

May all of us healed

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Forgiveness

Count your sins towards me
Know that my pain is limitless
And forgiveness is hard to come by

I'm cutting ties
Again
Hoping this is the end
To a decade of misery
Leaving everything in God's hand

I no longer hate you
I am not longer angered
I seek only repentance and love
A sign that you regretted your cruelty

If ever you decide to be a man
Come and admit your transgression
I'll give you another chance
For I believe there's an uncovered goodness
In that heart of yours

In the mean  time old friend
I pray that you'll pray
Soft my heart is
And forgive you I might


Monday, January 13, 2014

Jalan Mencari Tuhan

Mencari Tuhan
Terkapai melawan hawa dan nafs
Takbir
Rukuk
Sujud
Mengaduh pada yang hak

Mencari Tuhan
Memohon agar terpadam calitan hitam
Berharap di depan lurus dan luas
Tititan di lintasi tanpa perit

Mencari Tuhan
Dicabut kesedihan
Hilangkan kesakitan
Permudahkan kehidupan
Limpahkan kasih sayang
Doa insani buat mu Illahi

Friday, January 10, 2014

Keputusan Hati

Sudah lama terdetik di hati
Andai tiada yang ditakdirkan di dunia
Akan aku berusaha sehabis daya
Untuk bersama mu di sana

Kamu tidak pernah menyakitkan
Kamu tidak pernah melukakan
Kamu sentiasa ada

Meski aku tidak pasti
Apa hati kamu benar-benar untuk aku
Aku yakin
Hati aku sentiasa ada kamu

Mengenali mu
Dari zaman riang bermain hujan
Hingga saat kau dipanggil Tuhan
Aku tidak pernah berduka

Kau buat aku senyum
Tidak pernah marah
Tidak pernah menjauhi
Tidak pernah rimas dengan aku

Sudah lama terdetik di hati
Memilih kamu sebagai teman syurgawi
Jika ditakdirkan Illahi

Hingga saat itu
Akan ku perbaiki diri ini
Agar pasti di Jannah Illahi
Kau dan aku bertemu kembalo

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Cahaya Di Sana

Gelap
Hitam legam
Persis buta
Perjalanan hidup seorang hamba

Meraba
Bertatih
Jatuh
Bangun kembali
Melangkah tanpa haluan

Tiga dekad begini
Tubuh bercalar
Darah menitis
Hati tiada keruan

Cahaya
Dambaan jiwa
Hadirlah
Suluh jalan ini
Kerna aku mahu pulang

Tangisan Tiada Sudah

Hati
Di sini
Hari ini
Aku merayu lagi
Cukup!
Cukup setakat ini
Berapa kali mahu menangis?
Berapa kali mahu sakit?
Berapa kali mahu berdarah?

Hati
Usah di lupa parut lepas
Usah hanyut dalam perasaan
Usah di sia keringat berzaman

Hati
Di sini
Hari ini
Aku berseru
Ayuh bangkit
Usah bersedih

Hati
Kita pernah sama-sama gagah
Kita menongkah arus hidup
Kita bina semula kehancuran
Kita lalui semua cemuhan

Duhai hati
Aku dan kamu
Kita perlu cari kekuatan itu semula
Aku yakin kita mampu
Pimpin emosi ku wahai hati
Semoga tangisan yang belum sudah ini usai
Semoga kita bergelar srikandi keriangan

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Hari Ini

Sukar benar hari ini
Setiap seketika perasaan itu menjengah
Sesak
Lemas
Sebak

Letih benar hari ini
Kudrat tinggal sejengkal
Harapan hanya senipis bebayang
Airmata bercucuran

Hari ini
Persis hari-hari sebelum
Arus emosi seperti taufan
Bergelodak tak reti diam

Hari ini
Hari ini
Hari ini