I couldn't let go of my painful childhood, my unresolved issues with my childhood crush, the enourmous pain when my ex betrayed me. I live surrounded by pain throughout my life.
"However the problem wasn't with the vase or even that the vases kept breaking. The problem was that i kept putting them on the edge of tables"The vase here refers to my heart or my faith. I now realised that my heart broke because the dangerous place I put it at. I gave my heart to people who were likely to hurt me.
I was wrong because I depended on people to fulfill my emotional void. I let people define my happiness. I let my status determine my self worth. I set myself up for this misery.
The question is, where should I place them instead?
"Whoever rejects evil and believes in God hath grasped the most trustworthy handhold that never breaks. And God hears and knows all things"
Quran; 2: 256
" There is only one relationship that should define our self-worth and only one source from which we to seek our happiness, fulfillment and security. That place is God"With these statements I learn to refocus my life, my place or source of calmness. Before, my life revolved around pleasing a man, in hope that he'll love me till the end of his last breath. When that didn't happen, I was destroyed.
Then, to fill the void, I focused my life towards finding another man. Then, that plan didn't workout, I was again destroyed by this disappointment.
Now, I am realising that my source of happiness should be Allah and Allah alone. HE is the one whome I should focus my energy on. I should please HIM as HE guarantees that HE will keep me in HIS mercy-always.
"Only when we stop putting our hopes in Dunya, only when we stop trying to make Dunya into what it is not and was never meant to be (Jannah) will this life finally stop breaking our hearts"
"Nothing happens without a purpose. Pain are lessons and signs for us. They are warnings that something is wrong. Pain is a form of forced detachments"When I read this, I can really relate to my own past. My life with my source of pain is filled with our love for Dunya. We were lost, our iman was just on our mouth and never in our hearts.
I saw signs that were given in the early stage of our relationship but I was so stubborn. I was drowning in what I thought true love that I ignore the obvious warnings. So, God gave me pain, and still I ignored them. I never repent. Then Allah, I believed forced us to break apart by showing me our true colours to each other. It was a very painful breakup but a needed one.
Though I did not turn to Allah immediately, my life after him was less bleak. I know now what kind of life I want, what kind of man I want and though I cannot accept or forgive his betrayal yet, I am sure that I don't want to live with his kind of attitude.
10 years I wandered through life. I was full of anger, I live life from day to day until recently when he disappointed me again and my heart feels that it is time I find something more permanent.
And so, this journey of healing begins. I begin to live as a slave to Allah. I talks about my misery and hope to HIM.
I DEPEND ON ALLAH