An Unfortunate Singh

 This is about a Singh you and I both know

the one who resides in between towers and shoplots

grey in essence

and wears an invisible torn cape

This Singh wears many faces; none of them false

one shines brightest,  and worn most often; the sewadar

a man so steeped in Sikh and Punjabi

a putte, he was once called

Another is the filial son

self-scarifying

the care-taker

the youngest who worries from night to dawn

the shoulder his whole family sits on

And oh, I should mention the face he wears for his brotherhood

assigned to run here and there for he never runs out of breath

turning mountains into personal collections

an explorer, never needing permission

quite the macho man

And then, there is the face he wears with her

a charmer who could make  conversation lingers

generous with praise, humour and restricted intimacy

a flirt when it gives him joy

high on the sweetness of being wanted

This face is wrinkled

of worries, anger, frustrations and longing

she soothes them all tenderly

careful to not bruise him further

Yet,

 for all the faces this Singh has mastered

the one that mattered most seemed to escape him

for there stood a woman worth every version of him

and he, somehow fumbled her

quite spectacularly.

Oh poor unfortunate Singh!

no empty pockets

no shortage of admirers

but riddled with a simple misfortune

a remarkable woman loved him

and the fool let vines of comfort creep around his feet

until standing still felt easier than choosing her

Rahim Yang Meratah

 Aku tidak pasti siapa yang berjisim dahulu, 

Aku atau engkau

Yang pasti, 

Kau sejasad denganku saat dunia mula mengenal kita

Aku juga tidak pasti siapa yang membentuk siapa

Adakah sifat-sifatku lahir daripadamu

Atau tahun-tahun yang aku jalani membentukmu

Atau kita ini sekadar makhluk simbiosis

Aku tahu aku ada kamu

Sebaik kau isytihar kuasamu saat aku masih pingitan

Kuasa yang makin lama makin bersifat penjajah

Perlahan-lahan kau bina penjara kaca yang orang lain tidak percaya wujudnya

Aku sering kau serang di setiap kitaranmu

Hingga aku telan apa saja hanya untuk berdiri

Kau rodok ketenangan dan kewarasanku

Hingga di ranjang aku bersemayam

Lelehan merah, jenuh ku tadah

Makin lama semakin banyak

Entah apa kau tangiskan

Hingga aku terjelepuk,  tidak lagi berdaya

Tiap kali aku sedikit gagah, kau mulakan semula sengsara

Saat kau terkesan dek letupan ovari

Lalu aku yang menanggung hukum

Atas apa yang tidak pernah aku minta

Kau mengajar aku mengira kemampuan

Adakah cukup kudrat untuk sehari di luar penjara

Atau sekadar

Memandang gembira 

Mendengar ketawa

Tanpa boleh turut serta

Jalaran gentar makin subur

Setiap langkah ku ukur menurut amukmu

Setiap hari aku meneka tingkahmu

Supaya aku berdamai dengan buih mimpi yang pecah

Tangisan senyapku tiada siapa tahu

Luka apa yang ku toreh padamu hingga kita sakit begini

Apa marahmu, hingga kau yang sepatutnya sakti, meratahku

Bukankah kita rumah yang sama

Kau rongga penyemai kasih sayang

Kau ruang suburnya cinta

Kau taman tumbuhnya benih

Tapi bukan untuk aku

Kau rahim yang meratah jiwaku 

Hingga aku menguburkan mu

Antara Azan dan Simran I

 Pernah ada ketika

aku dan seluruh dunia terpenjara di ranjang

pengasingan itu menyuburkan sunyi hingga warasku bercalar

aku yang sedia gersang dek kemarau dua dekad menjadi kemaruk

madu setitis aku jilat rakus, meski sudah tercemar

Dalam rintihan dan perangku sendiri

aku mencari kesudian insan menghulurkan madu barang setitis

lalu terpandang wajah kamu yang sejuk

senyumanmu membaja lagi kepinginku pada madu

Buih kata kita terapung lama

menari-nari dek gurau yang menggoda

hingga ia berona pelangi

lalu pecah menjadi ketawa yang tidak sempat disembunyikan

Bibir kita sama, bersalut madu

bicara kau dan aku manisnya ketara

terbaja hati yang sebelumnya lara

entah bila terbinanya rasa

Dalam hiruk pikuk alam maya

antara sunyi dunia realiti

kehausan dua hati mula terubat

tanpa pernah disebut, azan atau simran

A Grey Singh

That Singh,

with a grey beard and moustache

carries a grey that follows him

like a quiet mist

Not the grey of sorrow

but of ash that never cooled

from fires no one saw

and of silent storms he endured

He gives himself away

whilst tiptoeing on already worn-out feet

as grey settles on him

he folds into molds never his own

His eyes reveal what his shoulders conceal

a tired child who's adamant about being strong

a boy still wearing a torn cape

a man isolated by his choice

His arms are strong

veiny and hard

arms that carry many lives

except his lover

How quietly the grey Singh breaks my heart

he fears the hands that gently reach for him

he moves awkwardly, shoulders drawing in

every embrace finds him stepping back

as though love requires blood

That Singh

that grey Singh

tugs my soul

grey seems to love him so

The Seat Beside Mine

 

The chair beside mine scraped softly one Monday,

Just after morning assembly ended that day.

A boy walked in with rain still on his shirt,

And placed his bag down gently on the desk’s soft skirt.

The fan above us turned - in a slow steady sound,

While sunlight spread quietly across the classroom ground.

I stayed silent as he found his place,

And the room slowly learned his unfamiliar face.

 

By midweek we shared rulers during Maths class,

And laughed at mistakes that happened too fast.

He sketched small rockets at the edge of his page,

While I folded paper planes in a quiet lesson stage.

At recess we moved through the crowded canteen line,

Carrying drinks while waiting patiently in time.

The seat beside mine no longer felt so new,

Just a quiet space where small moments grew.

 

During group work I lost the thread of the task,

While others finished faster than I could ask.

He pointed softly to where I should begin,

And stayed beside me without making it a win.

The teacher called for answers from our row,

My hands grew still; I did not want to go.

He slid his book a little closer to me,

And suddenly the work became easier to see.

Now the seat beside mine is never just a place,

It carries small moments we shared in this space.

Some days are noisy, some days feel slow,

But sitting beside him feels like I already know.

We do not say much when the lessons begin,

Yet somehow the day feels lighter within.

And when I look at that seat by my side,

I know good company is quietly there to guide

Awan Kata-Kata

Semalam kau marah sekali

Seperti biasa, setiap kali darah mu naik ke kepala maka kata-kata mu menebal seperti awan saat hari mahu hujan

Berat, gelap, penuh halilintar

Aku biasa dengan awan kata-kata sebegitu

Ayah ku juga begitu

Setiap marahnya membawa ribut ke seisi rumah

Tapi meski biasa, hatiku masih menangis

Meski biasa

Kebal yang aku sangka,  hanya tingkah, bukan rasa

Tubuh aku mula sejuk, mata mula menangis

Awan katamu menjerut hatiku

Kau sebut benci dan jengkel 

Kau kata aku punahkan percaya, aku seperti maling

Aduh! Sampai hati!

Makin aku ingat, makin lebat hujan ini

Mengapa tidak mampu kau lembutkan katamu?

Bukankah sayang itu hadir bersamanya kelembutan?

Atau sayangmu jua seperti hujan tidak jadi?

Atau aku memang selayaknya dimarahi begitu?

Awan kata-kata mu penuh halilintar

dan aku sudah terbakar

Nama Yang Ku Kirim Ke Mekah

Jika ada yang bertanya kepada mu

Apa benar aku mencintai kamu

Maka sewajibnya kamu jawab 

Iya! Benar sekali!

Jika ada yang menjuihkan bibirnya sambil berkata

Apa buktinya?

Maka harus kau pekik kepada mereka

Dia menghantar namaku ke Mekah

Ya!

Aku telah menghantar namamu ke Mekah

Aku kirimkan dalam lipatan doa 

Yang dilafazkan sahabat-sahabatku di Jabal Rahmah

Sebegitu aku mencintai kamu

Meski aku tahu bahawa kamu sendiri ragu akan cintamu pada aku

Hiba sekali hati ini

Bila makbulnya doa itu bukan seperti yang aku tuliskan 

Tuhan memberitahu alam agar mencurahkan banjir di hati kita

Supaya cair pekat nafsu asmara

Jika sesekali kamu tertanya adakah benar aku mencintai kamu

Maka aku ingin sekali menyatakan sambil ku usap pipi mu

Ya! Aku benar mencintai kamu

Hingga ku bawa namamu dalam doa ku.

A Grumpy Old Singh

 There's a grumpy old Singh who lives in the city

In a double storey house next to a playground

Where tired shoplots look up to gleaming buildings

and the roads choke on traffic

This grumpy old Singh is a delicate being

"You cannot do this, you cannot do that"

"You should do this, you should do that"

And somehow

"I cannot do this, I cannot do that"

O grumpy old Singh!

I wonder why you are so grumpy

Have you had your roti?

 Or was the masala too hot today?

Ah! I see! 

Work is pricking your sole again, isn't it?

Dear grumpy old Singh

Don't you find it funny? 

When one who hates being controlled 

Ends up sounding controlling?

Oh I forgot! 

Mirrors always show your own reflection

Pick Me! Choose Me!

Pick me! Choose me!

Pleads Meredith with tearful eyes

A scene I watched and felt enormous shame

For I was Meredith and in many ways is still Meredith

Pick me! Choose me!

I scream a voiceless plea

To everyone who should listen but apparently deaf

The small me never really grow up

The big me turns small at every single neglect

Pick me! Choose me!

I am good, I am pleasing, I am self-sacrifying

I abandon myself at your whim, I just don't matter over you

So,

Pick me! Choose me!

Save me from this state of prolong aloneness

I just need a drop of love, of care, of attention

I'll repay you with the whole world

Please, oh please I beg of you

Pick me! Choose me!

Surat Untuk Mak

Mak,

Hayat hubungan fizikal kita hanya lebih sedikit dari setengah dekad

Satu tempoh yang begitu singkat untuk kakak yang kebolehan mengingat ibarat ros jepun di waktu pagi

Memori kakak umpama tompokan titis air atas surat khabar yang kuning helaiannya

Mak,

Kakak sentiasa tahu kematian itu adalah yang terbaik untuk Mak

Sepanjang kakak hidup dengan Mak, senyuman Mak tidak pernah kakak lihat

Hidup Mak sangat susah, sakit dan sedih

Kakak tidak pernah pasti antara dua kemungkinan ini

Adakah sabar Mak setinggi gunung

Atau semangat Mak seleper tanah rata

Ingatan kakak terlampau sedikit untuk menjadi hakim yang adil

Mak

Sepanjang peninggalan Mak, kakak cuba terus hidup

Mak tinggalkan anak sulung Mak dan anak kecil Mak pada kakak

Untuk kakak pastikan terus hidup dan tidak dalam penganiyaan sehingga mereka mampu berdikari

Jadi Mak,

Begitu lah hidup kakak. Sama susah, sedih dan sakit seperti Mak.

Kakak tiada telinga yang sudi mendengar, bahu yang sudi menerima rebahan, atau tangan yang ikhlas memeluk

Kakak tiada apa-apa

Kakak cuma ada intuisi yang mendesak kakak untuk terus hidup

Lalu, teruslah kakak hidup hingga ke hari ini

Mak

Bukan sekali kakak ingin mati

Supaya berakhirlah gelodak jiwa, secepat berakhirnya derita mak

Namun, sehingga itu, kakak akan terus melangkah agar mati kakak bukan menghadirkan susah kepada sesiapa.

Mak,

Kakak mungkin ke neraka. Jika nanti Mak diberi peluang berjumpa anak-anak Mak, jangan lupakan kakak.

Seorang anak yang cuba mengambil peranan Mak

Someone Named Harry II

I once fell head over heels for someone named Harry

A being I felt so magical that my cornea turned rose-tinted

He swoon me with words I long to hear

I was beautiful, pretty, mesmerizing, with sparkling eyes.

It was easy to fall in love with him, but it takes courage to consistently be loving towards this Harry

We circled around the sun for five times and a little more together

A story of pauses and returns, much like the beach and the tide

I am the beach and he the tide

I am still, always steady in my love for him

He, easily influenced by the moon

Us, a constant cruel push and pull dynamic

Which render me eroded

In my stillness then I began to ponder

Is this really Harry?

The same magical Harry? Or is he now someone else?

Could he be captured by life every now and then and returned to me as an aloof, disengaging man?

This sixth journey around the sun doesn't bring me joy anymore

My heart doesn't call out to him as loud

It keeps whispering, this is not Harry

Life has killed Harry, this one is not Harry

The whispers are getting stronger each time the moon pulls him away

Leave! Leave! Leave!

Leave, I have yet to decide

Battered By Death II

I saw a girl by the old spooky well

Wiping tears which she made small

Death took her sickly mother away

And taught her to be so her whole life onwards

I saw a lady weeping by the moonlight

The man she loved whole-heartedly was snatched from her

By death, in the most gruesome way

And her tears never stopped coming ever since

I saw a woman screamed in pain

Hugging a cold body she loved enormously

Death was sent as a relief to her father figure

A figure who was always by her side, a rejected lonely child

She accepted death's unbearable decision  with screams that never quiet

I saw a person

I saw myself

A lady 

A child

Battered by death, physical death that render her lifeless

Battered By Death

I see a man battered by death,

Slumping on a grey sofa,

With head bowed to defeat,

His eyes cries his loss.

Death took away his wife first,

Perhaps, the person he most need forgiving from,

His cries for her were shouts,

For he knew how much he had wronged her.

Death then took his parents away,

One, then the other, after bouts of illness,

He was the first for them, the one who lived together through hardness 

He cries mostly in sobs for Mak and Pak

Death knows no rest,

It came for a sister he dots,

Further wrenching his already wounded heart,

He cried still albeit brief this time.

I wish death would spare him more loss,

For he is at the age where death could pay him a personal visit,

Alas, death continues to hit him where it hurts

Slashing him more severely, mercilessly.

Death took away half his soul,

A brother who had been with him in every struggle,

A best of friend who knew him inside and out,

A voice who soothes, reasons, and sometimes reprimand his temperament.

I see a man battered by death

Pitiful,

Sad,

I Wish You Were Here

I wish you were here, dear

I wish you were near
I wish we both sit close together
On a beach, shoulder to shoulder
As the sunset draws near

I wish you were here, dear
I wish you were near
Then, the unsaid goodbye would never happened
Tangles will unraveled
Dark clouds will finally cleared

I wish you were here, dear
I wish you were near
I wish I knew no astronomy when stars appear
For your absence dims the light I once held dear
I ache for echoes of a love so tender

I wish you were here, dear
Now, today, forever

I wish you were near

Secluded Haven

I will arise and go now, and go to that secluded haven

A small abode awaits me, of wood and glasses made

Trees bearing fruits will i have there, rows of flowers in the garden

And alone shall i dwell amongst the starlings' serenade

For I shall have peace there, an unhurried, lingering serenity

From when the rooster crows, to where the cricket sings

There, twinkles adorn the night, noon a time of whimsicality

And evening full of the swallows' wings

I will arise and go now, for always night and day

I hear the sea ebbs and flows, greeting its shore

While I stand on the terrace, or on the pavement grey

I hear it in my deepest core

Lelah

 Pagi adalah waktu yang sering mengelirukan aku

Waktu diri aku terbelah dua

Kanan ku adalah hamba tuhan yang bersyukur diberi peluang bernafas untuk aku menikmati sisa-sisa hidup dengan warna warni

Kiri ku pula adalah makhluk yang tak kenang budi - mengeluh mengapalah aku hidup lagi?

Aku sebenarnya lelah!

Lelah dengan kesunyian jiwa.

Aku dahaga kasih sayang sejak aku berhingus

Dahaga ini entah bila mahu terubat

Lelah aku ke sana ke sini mencari kasih tapi hampa

Dalam lelah ini aku jadi marah pada tuhan

Sampai bila aku perlu diuji begini?

Aku sampai rela mati!

Adakah aku perlu mati?

Aku sedar, kamu yang membaca ini harus mengeleng kepala

Namun, ini lah perasaan aku hari ini.

Aku lelah!

Aku mahu menjerit YA TUHAN! AKU LELAH!

Perempuan Penunggu Pantai

Aku lah perempuan itu

Seorang penunggu pantai

Yang petangnya di gigi air

Memujuk ombak membawa lara hatinya pergi

Aku lah perempuan itu

Yang tidak jemu menunggu pantai

Kerana di situ dia berteman

Curahan dukanya dilagukan alam

Aku lah perempuan itu, 

Yang hatinya diam di pantai

Tempat dia mengadu kepada raja langit dan bumi

Damai lah nurani, girang lah jiwa, nyaman lah jasad

Hilangkan segala keletihan dia

Aku lah perempuan itu

Sang penunggu pantai

Kerana pantai tidak pernah menghukumnya

Kerana pantai tidak pernah meninggalkannya

Kerana pantai itu utuh setia

Aku lah perempuan penunggu pantai

Dan akan aku tetap disini hingga terhembus nafas pengakhiran ku

Someone Named Harry

I was just a plain ol Jane

Who resorted to walking on a beach 

as a way to patch these broken pieces of my shell

Until one day, someone named Harry came along.

I was just a girl with demons

Who waited for the dusk every day 

for i believe the gates of heaven will be wide and i could face god

To ask him to lift my pain

Until one day, someone named Harry came along

I was just a complicated soul

Who speak to the waves, laugh with it and dance to its music

As waves lulled my inner turmoil to sleep

Until someone named Harry came along.

I am still the girl i'm describing

But after someone named Harry came along

I cry a little less

I smile a bit

I thank god for him

Though short our time was,

Though temperamental our connection was,

I am still happy i got to know this someone named Harry.

He made me believe in myself, in my beauty and my ability.

He made me believe i have sparkle in my eyes, and its mesmerizing,

He made me believe i have beautiful smile, and its inviting

And i want to remember him as so.

Thank you, someone named Harry.

Though short lived, time with you was magical.

Bulan Itu

Di pantai ini,

Kala langit seperti tertumpah nila,

Aku mendongak ke pintu syurga,

Mengagumi sinar bulan itu,

Biasan cahayanya ibarat cintaku,

Indah, bersinar, terpantul dek lautan,

Bulat bulan itu,

Sama bulatnya dengan kata hatiku,

Yang tekad mahu mencintai kamu,

Meski perbedaan kita seluas laut cina selatan ini,

Di pantai ini,

Kala aku seakan pungguk,

Bersiul lagu asmara,

Mata bergenang lautan rindu,

Bulan itu aku tatap,

Hati menjerit pada alam,

Alangkah indah jika kita memandang bulan yang sama,

Bermain pasir dan bergurau dengan ombak yang sama,

Berdua berpegangan tangan disini,

Di pantai ini,

Menari kepada lagu cinta kita,

Bulan itu,

Adalah cinta ku,

Adalah kangen ku,

Adalah rawan ku,

Kerana meski menawan, 

Terlampau tinggi untuk digenggam

Forget

Pain,

Though invisible to you, tormenting and cruel to me,

Laboured breath,

Cold shivers down my spine,

Twisting my insides with no mercy,

And all I want to do is forget.

Forget that I've ever felt such pain,

Forget that I once tried to die because of it,

Forget that I was like a walking corpse for years due to it,

Forget such unbearable pain.

Yet,

All I could do was cry,

For hours,

Writhing in pain,

I wish I could just die,

I wish I could cut open my chest, take out this heart, rinse it with my tears, 

Heal it from every pain.

I am broken beyond repair,

This pain would not leave me no matter how hard I try,

I am broken beyond repair,

And I wish I could just forget.